Ramadan Series 2: Feelings of Euphoria

As the series progresses, it will continue to get more and more intimate. This time I was welcomed into Rah's home. I went to Rah's place after checking out a rally that was anti sharia law on one side, and pro black/brown/muslim lives matter and anti-facism on the other side. Both sides were pretty devoid of black and brown people. It was interesting to say the least, but that's for another post. 

I watched Rah get ready, apply her makeup, carefully put on her headwrap, and switch to the hijab. 

Rah has been trying harder to cover her head this Ramadan, just as the Queen in my last post is. I had never thought about the process and confidence that must go into wearing the hijab. Rah stated that in years prior, she worked internships that would have felt awkward to wear them even though they were aware that she is Muslim and was fasting. 

Rah has been attempting to be even more disciplined this Ramadan than ever before. When studying abroad in Spain, she felt a deeper connection to her faith. Seeing other muslim women in their hijab's in Spain was very inspiring and relieving for her. During her time out of the country, Donald Trump was elected President. Her womanhood, blackness, immigrant status, and faith seemed to be hated all at once in a way that she had never experienced. 

As a survival tactic in a harsh world for those who face oppression, we often feel as though we have to live up to a super-human level of strength. But everyone has breaking points. When Trump was elected, Rah had hers. She stated, “At that moment I had a break down, because there were people around me who were against everything that I stood for."

 She went to work that day and I could only imagine the thoughts going through her head. Her boss asked her to meet with her, and it was at that moment she finally let the tears flow. It’s important to know that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes.

While in Spain, Trump's Muslim ban came in to play. Fear seemed to immobilize her for a little while. What a scary time. I can't imagine dealing with this thousands of miles away from family/friends. After about a month of playing it safe and getting consistent news updates by her host mother, she began to venture out. Then Rah, began to really see all of Europe and gain the experience of a lifetime. Luckily she didn't receive any persecution due to her religion. Instead she faced fetishization due to her blackness. Can we ever win? This is what makes intersectionality so tough because if it's not one thing it's another. But through unity and understanding we can protect one another.

Here in America the culture feels contradictory while being a Muslim, especially during Ramadan. In other countries, shops might close down throughout the day for prayer. Rah pointed out how hard it is as a child in school. You are supposed to pray throughout the day, but do you leave class to pray? You are supposed to cleanse yourself before praying, so you cannot discreetly just close your eyes and pray in your head. In an area with a high Muslim population there would not be food cooking outside, filling the community with aromas. The cultural differences here make it difficult sometimes.

Street vendors less than a block away from Rah's apartment.

I found this very hard to deal with, but for Rah fasting is one of the less difficult acts during Ramadan. What is difficult for her is lacking the ability to listen to music. Music is part of her essence. It is a big piece of ratchet Rah, but Ramadan Rah must go throughout the day without it.  

She finds euphoric feelings elsewhere.   

Praying is meditation. You free your mind of all of your thoughts and focus them to one place to talk to your God. 

One of the five pillars of Islam is praying five times per day. The other four pillars are faith in God or "Allah," and belief in Muhammad as Allah's messenger, charity, fasting, and pilgrimage. Rah showed me where she prayed. The rug in which she prays on shown below is very beautiful and vibrant. 

This was very important to me because her favorite part of Ramadan is the heightened peacefulness that she feels throughout the month. Rah is not the first to speak of these euphoric feelings. King in "Be Humble" spoke to that as well. This peacefulness is attained by being more mindful. The discipline, prayer, and fasting provides a natural high incomparable to any substance. She stated that, "You're normally distracted by constant occurrences of life. You're not supposed to gossip or curse. If I want to curse, I say "sugar" instead. This is a chance for me to start over and relearn about my religion, regardless of what's going on." She hopes that these behavior changes stick with her.

I thought it was very well put, to explain Ramadan almost as a refresh. It gives me (and I hope you) a more personal understanding of the celebration. This lengthy process is a test of a Muslim's discipline. 

Just like the rest of us, Rah is not perfect, but she is trying. I admire her strength, her beauty, and her mind. 

+V. 

Morals: 

1. Strength is admirable, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE STRONG ALL OF THE TIME! 

2. Find your natural high.

3. Be patient.

Ramadan Series 1: Be HUMBLE

[I am using the terms "King" and "Queen" instead of names for sake of confidentiality.]

Over the past week from only two interviews and a little of my own research, I have learned so much with so many complexities to unpack over the next few weeks. 

As a millennial, we often stray away from organized religion. We question everything, and the way that I was taught religion at Catholic school is that it is not to be questioned. Within Christianity, someone who questions and doesn’t believe without proof is called a “doubting Thomas.” This is not exactly a compliment. It stems from a story of a disciple that doubted Jesus. I’m not sure if there is a similar story told in the Quran as well, but that’s a question for another interview.  

I have always been curious about other religions. But my beliefs are more spiritual than rule based and stem from bits and pieces of multiple faiths.

I don’t think that I had any idea about what Ramadan was until I got to college. There wasn’t a high Muslim population where I lived in Westchester, and it’s not information that I received in catholic or public school. The only Quran I knew was 50 Cent's Ghetto Qu'ran. LOL, but really though. When friends of mine in college told me that they did not eat or drink during the day throughout Ramadan, I was perplexed that they went about their daily functions.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine booked me to do a fitness shoot for him. We decided to move it for after Ramadan because it would be exerting unnecessary energy. At this moment I thought wow, this is a huge commitment that takes an immense amount of mental strength.

This needs to be celebrated...  

From there I decided to do a photo series that will lead up to Eid Mubarak and celebrate the strength exhibited throughout Ramadan. I want to be educated on the religion, dispel myths, and display personal narratives. At a time like this, I cannot celebrate without thinking about the vast Islamophobia in this country. There is so much hate driven out of fear, and it is ignorant that people try to even categorize a look to an entire religion because there isn't one ESPECIALLY for millennials. 

“There needs to be an active effort to understand the black experience and the muslim experience, otherwise you will be left with the knowledge from these mediums that aren’t providing you with the correct information.” - King

You can see from King's shirt, his blackness and his faith are inadvertently tied. "I CANT BREATH," reminiscent of Eric Gardner's last words. Although, the black experience and the muslim experience are different, there is a lot of hate targeted at both groups in this country. There are a large amount of people who fall into both of those categories. This point of intersectionality is very interesting, especially when you incorporate womanhood into the mix.  

 King brought The Autobiography of Malcolm X to the shoot, at a park in Brooklyn where he used to practice track during Ramadan. 

I asked King a few questions, and here’s an exerpt from his experiences.

Me: Why did you choose this place?

King: "One summer, I decided I was trash at track & field during my freshman year of high school. I decided, ‘Okay, when they have summer practices, I’m going to go to the park and practice with them so that sophomore year I won’t be as trash’. Coincidentally, practices fell during the same time Ramadan was occurring. I would take the A train to the C train and ride over here, walk to Fort Green Park, and practice with them [the track team] while I was fasting. I was also reading this book. I told myself ‘ok [King], you’re gunna go to practice, and you’re gunna practice while fasting. It’s gunna be hard, but I really don’t want to be trash next year.’ I went to practice and participated. It was rough going through the fasting period trying to maintain that focus, while at the same time being aware that I shouldn’t push myself too hard because I couldn’t eat, nor drink. It was during those moments where everything else became quiet and I was in the zone."

This was an immense amount of clarity for a fifteen year old to gain. Ever since gaining that clarity when he was in highschool, he is able to bring his mind back to that place of extreme focus whenever he is fasting.

King explained to me that, “The lessons that I learned in Islamic school on Saturday’s weren’t that different from the things that I was learning in Catholic school.’ These two religions are about peace, forgiveness, and caring for others.”

I thought that, that was a great sentiment because religions seem to be at odds about who is right so often that they forget that they have the same goal. This may be another reason why millennials are resistant to organized religion, but I do think that it is important to learn about the existing religions even if it is looked at through a skeptical point of view. There are some very important moral life lessons that can be taken from them.

After doing the shoot with King and he explained to me the purpose of fasting, I decided I would fast on the days of my shoots. Fasting is supposed to humble you, and get you in the spirit of helping the homeless/starving/poor. You get a small taste of what it is like to not be able to eat whenever you would like. The idea of getting in the mindset of someone who is starving seemed intriguing. Although, I knew that it would be different for me because I wasn’t doing it paired with my faith. I still wanted to do it in solidarity with the person that I was shooting, as well as to get a small understanding of what that struggle felt like.

On the day of the next shoot that I had with Queen, I decided to fast. I knew I would struggle with it, but I didn’t know I would struggle with it so early. There have been days where I went a very extended time without food if I didn’t have access to it.

On that day, I had the shoot at 3 pm. At around 1130 am, I started to become incredibly hungry and I wasn’t even sure that I would be able to hold off until 3 pm. By about 12 pm, I had convinced myself that I needed to have a sip of water to take with my medication (which very well may be true, but I really wanted it because I was thirsty). I can’t even relay to you how much better I felt afterwards. Before I left to go to the shoot, I had to brush my teeth again because it felt like I had cottonmouth.

It felt as though my sense of smell was heightened. I could smell someone cooking food from another apartment while I was in my room. I thought that it might have been easier to fast if I was with my family or if I prayed...

While I was at the shoot, I forgot all about my hunger. I mean of course we talked about it, but it took the back burner in my mind. After I left the shoot, I passed by a fruit and vegetable cart. After I passed it, I turned around and purchased 4 peaches and 2 bananas for $2. I told myself I would save it for later. Around 6, I found myself eating the banana. Within a half hour I decided that I had already broken my fast so I might as well eat. To put it simply I failed at fasting until 9 pm.

But that made me realize that throughout Ramadan, Muslims have to pass by food every day and not eat it. And then I thought even further about homeless people passing by food, begging for help, being in a daze from lack of nutrition, and people ignoring them. So although I technically failed, the goal of thinking outside of myself was reached.

One thing that I was told during the interview with Queen was not to focus too hard on the fasting. If you fast without it being combined with the acts of service, prayer, humbleness, and general effort to be a good person, I would merely just be starving myself. So I have decided to go more towards acts of kindness, and participating in a community service effort that a future interviewee is facilitating. The next time that I will fast, will be if I am invited to a breaking of the fast feast because I would like to experience that.

“I never felt more beautiful, than I did once I started covering my head” - Queen

Queen explained that she feels no need to try to be beautiful for anyone else but herself. This is the first Ramadan that she has been making a very conscious effort to consistently cover her head. Covering her head, as well as dressing modestly as is expected within Islam has provided her with heightened confidence. Queen has been reading the Quran, and that has given her a lot more clarity. She does not wear a hijab, and she mentioned that it may have altered her experience as a Muslim woman if she had because people directly correlate that with Islam. Even though this is an incorrect correlation that people make because it is often worn by women for cultural reasons, not necessarily religious.

It was interesting to interview Queen after King because Queen shared some different experiences she's had as a woman. One was, not being able to wear nail polish during Ramadan. Being a black-muslim-woman is a level of intersectionality that I had assumed would have adverse effects. According to both of them, people hardly ever assume that they are Muslim by the way that they look, so this intersectionality may have helped avoid religious persecution. But I did notice from both of them that a pressure to be the perfect Muslim exists. While being black in America, a similar strive for perfection exists due to the negative stereotypes that exist about us. This doubling down on pressure for perfection adds stress that you probably can't imagine if you do not fall within any of these lines of intersectionality. 

One of the reasons why I stated earlier that "especially millennials" would be tough to categorize to a look for a certain religion is because we tend to stray away from traditional ways of doing and dressing. Queen discussed the empowerment she feels by dressing modestly and covering her head which is still not exactly traditional but different from the mindset many young people have. 

Queen stated this, and I thought it was perfect: "One thing that I really love and respect when it comes to covering your head, Is that I truly believe that its a personal choice. It should never be an issue where someone who covers their head thinks they're better than or judges someone who doesn't cover their head or for someone who doesn't cover their head to think that they have the upper hand on someone who does cover their head. I think that it is completely up to you what hair styles you choose to have, how you choose to cover yourself or if you choose not to cover yourself. How you choose to practice is between you and your God."

-V.

Morals:

1. Don't categorize or stereotype people based off of the way that they look.

2. BE HUMBLE. 

3. It should never be forgotten that the main goal of religion is peace. The rest of it is supposed to just be guidelines on how to create peace, but read and do what works for you. Times change, and so do people. 

4. If you're interested in being part of it please contact me!

Protect Your Magic

For some of us as we get older, it feels impossible to keep the fun alive. When I say fun, I mean real fun that doesn’t require mind altering substances. We're overthinking, we're not thinking enough. We're overwhelmed, we're underwhelmed.

Sometimes we reach a certain age and we lose our spirit for the sake of being responsible. Although your responsibilities are important to be tended to, it is imperative for your sanity that you are always doing things that you love, even if it is on the side. This is so important for mental health and personal growth. 

My goal is to chase pigeons in the park on a beautiful day without a care in the world that I'm being watched. I'm clearly low key crazy. 

Protect your energy. Protect your magic.

My magic is my patience

My magic is thinking about how my actions affect the future

My magic is being on a continuous journey to incorporate all of the things that I love into my life.

His magic was his youthful energy that moved faster than my shutter speed.

Her magic was her smile.

Their equal load is magical.

What is your magic?

CLAIM IT. 

-V.

The dream and the hope of the slave?

"Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise."

^A few of the last lines from Still I Rise by Maya Angelou. The image above that I took at the African American History Museum made me wonder... Are we the dream and the hope of the slave? I do not feel completely free, black people are still treated as less than, and the criminal justice system operates as modern day slavery. I can't imagine that this is what they hoped for. But then I thought for a little longer...maybe this would be the dream. We are not where we need to be with the system very much so still stacked against us. But I imagine the slave to wish, hope, and pray they could live on their own as I do. I imagine they wished to be free from a life they had no control over. I imagine that they did not fathom that there would be museums made in their legacy. A little girl whose kinky hair, that is now emulated by white people [yet still not fully accepted] under a quote by a world renowned black poet.

It's complicated. 

But still we rise...

Happy Birthday Maya Angelou!!!

Grapefruit

Welcome.

Last week while writing this blog, I was on just about a million different drugs. For a brief period, I was on percocets (molly, percocets) *cues flutes, bounces shoulders*. I cannot help but sing that every time, but I assure you that percocets are not as fun as Future makes them sound- which leads me to believe that he has never taken a percocet.

The feeling that you get is lethargic, sluggish, and just plain TIRED. Not to mention, incredibly detrimental to your health if taken when not needed. By doctors order,  I was also taking a high dosage of ibuprofen, birth control, antibiotics, and interchanging between benadryl and zyrtec because I somehow had an allergic reaction to my damn bandages. 

On March 13th, I had surgery to remove cysts from my ovaries. It’s pretty common for women to have cysts or fibroids, but they usually come and go and are not of large size. One of mine was roughly the size of a grapefruit and one a little smaller than a lemon. This is no comparison to the size of the cysts that some women have dealt with.  I also have had very painful periods for years. There is often this myth that I hear, that some women are exaggerating the pain that we're in and that it is just part of the process. Some pain is normal. Debilitating pain is not. 

I think it’s important for me to tell this story for many reasons, but mainly because women often go through things, not knowing that there are many other women going through the same or similar. You are not alone.

ALERT, this is about to get personal. Similar to a lot of people, I went through quite a few years of bad sex before it actually became enjoyable. When I lost my virginity in high school, it was consensual but incredibly painful and hardly enjoyable. I actually was in extreme pain until the next day and told n o  o n e. I think that I was embarrassed, maybe even ashamed? I tried two or three times after that, and it still was painful almost every time. So I went on a sex haitus for over a year after this. I also had very little understanding of my body.

Still, even when I had good sex, sometimes I would have times where I would become extremely inflamed, would have a lot of pain, and once I literally had to put the p*ssy on ice. **So men, if a woman starts “running from it,” she is probably involuntarily protecting her body, so please don’t think it’s because your genitals are amazing.  [sorry] 

One summer I was with a guy, and it hurt so bad that I had to stop him. This was awkward because he was not my boyfriend, and this moment of pain made me feel really vulnerable. He ended up being really cool about it. After I dropped him off, the pain actually started getting worse. I ended up bleeding a lot. That was scary. At this point, I was on summer vacation from college, living with my parents. Although I was concerned, I really did not want to tell my mom but I finally broke down and told her after a few hours. This was incredibly awkward since we had never even spoke about the fact that I was actually having sex. Around the time that the bleeding stopped, I went to an Urgent Care facility. I definitely should have gone to a hospital much sooner, if not immediately. By the time I was seen, my symptoms were pretty much gone. But they immediately scheduled me for an ultrasound after ruling out pregnancy and STI’s. They were able to see that I had cysts. This later cost my family thousands of dollars because we didn’t have insurance at the time.

I got little to no answers from the tests, just 1(8OO) numbers calling that I had long since learned to dodge. This gave me no interest in going back to the doctor. Not to mention the judgmental tones I received when explaining my situation, the initial perception that I was pregnant, and straight faces when I tried to make a joke because I was nervous. Weren’t THEY supposed to be making small talk and corny jokes to make me feel better while perusing around my vag? That was 2014.

Fast forward to the end of 2016. My breath is short, I’m trying to breath but it’s seeming to take everything out of me to catch it. I clutch my stomach with my right hand and my head with my left, and scurry to the bathroom. I sit on the toilet to try to use the bathroom, but it feels like I may puke, faint, or both. Extreme pain is shooting from my walls up to my stomach and back down. Should I go to the hospital? This has happened before, but last time it was less extreme and it went away within an hour. I decided to wait it out. (exactly what you're not supposed to do)

“Babe, hand me my heating pad,” I said as I turn my head to face my boyfriend who is OSCAR award winningly calm.  

I lay down with the heating pad at my lower abdomen and he rubs my stomach. Eventually, I fall asleep and the pain subsides.

The next day I tell my big sister this story, and immediately she scolds me for not going to the doctor. I think I called her because I needed someone to yell at me to go. “She’s right,” I think to myself.

First step: find a good gynecologist. I text a few of my girlfriends, and NO ONE has a place that they would recommend. SAD. Not on their part, but on the many gynecologists that do not take the time to ensure the comfort of their patients, the lack of black doctors, and the fear that many of us reasonably have of doctors.

After searching I find a black, kind, nonjudgemental doctor from zocdoc. Whoever created that app, BLESS YOUR SOUL. She’s located all the way in SOHO, but I am willing to make the trip for a good experience. I connected with her on a spiritual level... Here comes another ultrasound, an MRI. I need to remove these cysts from my body. “It’s possible that they could twist and rupture and they could cause further complications with your health,” my doctor says. I agree, and decide that now is the time. I am an “independent contractor” so this is one of the few times that I will have the availability to just take weeks away to recover without it being an issue with a boss.

I am just beginning to establish myself as a creative, so yes, I missed out on a few gigs but that’s okay. If I don’t take care of my health now, I might miss out on a lot more gigs later. I didn’t feel too nervous about the surgery. I was strangely almost excited until I got closer to the date. I would be finding out if my cysts, and the pain were directly connected.

When my parents offered to come from Virginia to support me during my surgery, I quickly retorted that they didn’t have to. It made me feel kind of childish, and maybe gave the surgery a seriousness that I did not want it to have, but I am really glad I shared that experience with them. I could tell that they were more nervous than I was (which they still won’t admit), and the looks on their faces did not exactly make me feel calm when my surgeon showed up late for surgery. I am still waiting to go over the results with my doctor, but apparently everything looked good in there. They checked everything I got going on inside so I will probably find out a lot about my body when I meet with my doctor next week. The good part about this surgery is that I have been spending the majority of my time becoming inspired because I have so much down time. I have watched numerous photography documentaries such as “Half past Autumn: The Life and Works of Gordon parks,” (yall should check that out) listened to creative podcasts, and have been writing and doing research for a children’s novel that I have been working on for a few months now. I feel extremely inspired, and I cannot wait to heal completely, get outside, and shoot again.

Until next time...

Morals

1:  If you feel pain in moments that are meant to be pleasurable, something is probably wrong. 

2: Take care of your health, experiment with reputable natural remedies, find a doctor that you feel comfortable with, and do not hesitate to ask for/receive help.

3:  Do, watch, or listen to things that make you feel inspired consistently, especially when you’re down.

‐V.